As The Phone Ringeth

Once again we have received a call from companies we have specifically told to stop calling us. Usually Bob fields these phone calls and has all the fun but this time I had a turn after all, if they can waste our time it is fair indeed for us to waste theirs.

We are enjoying a nice quiet evening together as a family when the phone rings. I pick up the phone and look at the caller ID. Bob says, "Who is it?" I say, "TruGreen Chem Lawn", he says, "Give it here." I say, "No'.

Me: Hello.
T.G. : Hello, this is Matt from TruGreen Chem Lawn, we care for your neighbor's lawn and we've noticed you have quite a weed problem in your front yard.
Me: A weed problem? Well, that sounds serious.
T.G.: Yes, well that is why I'm calling to offer a special introductory rate...
Me: Well, that sounds like a good deal. I've seen you all at my neighbor's house doing her lawn.
T.G.: Yes, we have been caring for her lawn for quite some time now.
Me: Well... her yard is brown.
T.G.: It is winter time...
Me: But my yard is green.
T.G.: But it is full of weeds.
Me: My weeds are green. Her ChemGrass is brown.
T.G.: But you don't want those weeds in your yard.
Me: I want my yard to be green, aren't we after the same thing here? A green lawn? Are you the one who tells my neighbor to run her sprinklers all the time? Because she wastes all this water and her yard is still really brown.
T.G.: Your neighbor seems happy with our service and I think you could be too.
Me: I won't be very happy if you turn my yard brown. All these chemicals are they safe for the environment? The St. John's is turning green and I think it may have something to do with you people.
T.G: Our lawn care plan has been proven safe for the environment.
Me: Well, that's good to know. I'll tell you what I'm prepared to offer you my weed clippings at a very low rate... they are guaranteed to stay green year round.
Me: Hello?
Me: Matt? Are you there?